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Are You Still Trying to Do it All Yourself?

April 15, 2011 By Cara Lumen 1 Comment

red-laptopI have a new client who is extremely talented, multi-versatile and filled with great ideas. My job as her coach is to help her make decisions which stay true to her passion, develop a really big vision, and guide her along the journey. With as big a vision as she has in mind I realized she needs to learn to delegate right from the beginning. And here’s why.

Know your job

As the owner and founder of your business you are the idea person, the decision maker, the reason it exists. Your job is to keep on the lookout for new opportunities, create new collaborations, develop new products and expand your services. It is not your job to get caught up in administrative details.

Who can you get to help and what do you want them to do?

For at least one week track your time. How much time do you spend on emails, phone calls, making travel arrangements, writing articles, posting to blogs – whatever you do? How much time do you spend on exploring the potential of new ideas, talking with possible joint venture partners, creating new products and services, developing your own skill set and expanding your own knowledge base? How much time are you spending in your business and how much time on your business?

At the end of the week divide your tasks into the following categories and put the time spent or time you’d like to spend on each task

  1. Things only I can do
  2. Things someone else could do but I enjoy doing
  3. Things I don’t like to do
  4. Things I don’t do well or that are hard for me to do but need to be done
  5. Things that need doing that I don’t have time to do

Go back and put an X in front of what you are willing to give away. These are the tasks you can hire out.

Create job descriptions for the people you would like to hire

Then take some time developing a list of tasks you would hire a person to do. Include:

  1. Job Title
  2. Job Description
  3. Hours Needed
  4. Cost
  5. Type of person who would fit this position

Areas you may hire people to help you with are:

  • Coach
  •  Virtual assistant – you may need several who specialize in different tasks – blog management, travel arrangements, research for speaking engagements, article and blog posting, web management, video production, social media management, etc.
  •  Financial guidance from a tax preparer or accountant.
  • Technical support for your web presence
  • Copy Editor
  • Proofreader
  • Graphic artist

What are you willing to release?

In a PTA meeting a long time ago I realized that just because I could do every job on the agenda didn’t mean I had to volunteer for it. I get to choose where I wanted to serve. Your choices need to keep you in your passion. You need to do the work that excites your imagination, that leads to new innovative choices, and that allows you to do your best work – full out – joyously giving your all. To do that you have to give some tasks away so you can do what only you are meant to do. What are you willing to release? What are you willing to trust someone else to do? Who do you know who can do that?

You write the blog post but let a VA post it on your blog and in article submission sites. If you have lots of ideas of places to speak, have a VA research it for you, find the contact person and their information and hand it to you when you are ready to make the call. Let a VA format your emagazine or update information on your web site or manage your Tweet schedule. Let someone else set up your membership site or run the back end of your webinar software. Sometimes using collaborative software helps the process. And no, it’s not easier to do these things yourself when it adds up to time you cannot spend working on your business expansion.

Take the step

Look around at people you know who can provide the services you need, network for recommendations, go online and find resources. As you explore add to the list of responsibilities you might be ready to outsource. Then do the math. If you pay someone to do six hours of work a week what money-making ideas can you put into action in that same six hours? What new products can you produce? What new collaborative partnerships can you form? You are the idea person. Keep yourself free to explore, examine, choose and create your next steps.

© 2011 Cara Lumen
 

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How to Make a Good Decision

December 29, 2010 By Cara Lumen Leave a Comment

radioMy interview with Sharon Sayler on Beyond Lip Service

 Cara Lumen, Your Idea Optimizer, creator of the Magnetic Content Development System says, “A good decision-making process will consistently help you make choices that produce the best results. Having a conscious system for making decisions is very freeing. Once you establish your individualized technique and learn to trust it you will be unstoppable!” 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 30:10 — 6.9MB)

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The Ten Percent Solution

August 29, 2010 By Cara Lumen Leave a Comment

by Cara Lumen

close-lookThey say we only use 10 percent of what we own. Think how much space we would have if we gave the rest away. Think how much money we would have if we stopped buying stuff we don’t need. Think how much time we would have if we didn’t have so much stuff to take care of.

What’s important to you?

I’ve moved into a smaller place. My office is now in one corner of my living room rather than having a whole room to devote to it so I’ve had to do some really serious choosing.

  • Since it’s in my living room I care how it looks – there is no door to shut if it gets messy. So I need some tidy systems for tracking what I need to have on hand.
  • I use binders for my courses and ebooks but books are warmer looking. My binders will be on the lower shelves and my books will be on display.
  • What books do I want to keep? When I knew I was moving I threw away a lot of things but I need to give away more. I have the library so I could access some books again if I wanted to. Novels come and go that way. Even business reference books are up for release. There is a half price book store in town that will buy my books.
  • Clothes need a good reality check. I have lost some weight and really must trust that I will not go back to that larger size. I can release those clothes. And under the bed storage has to be for a change of seasons, not a storage place for clothes I’ll never wear again.
  • Kitchen stuff is huge. I don’t have as much kitchen space but I have a pantry so I’ve stuffed a lot in the pantry and as I need things I bring them out and put them in the prime locations. And I’m giving away duplicates and odd cooking tools I never use. I can’t reach half my cabinets in the kitchen and that is only storage space so why don’t I get rid of what I might put there? I have arranged my spices into plastic bins with baking spices in one and cooking spices in the other and can easily cart them out of the pantry to bake. And my favorite spices are close at hand. I do not need so many pans since I’m no longer cooking for four children. Again, I will pull out what I use and see about giving away the rest.
  • The put-abouts are the hardest. I have a ton of crystals, way too many Buddha and Quan Yin statues (they remind me to stay centered and calm) and a lot fewer spaces to put them on. This is my second downsize in a year and I have not given any of my put-abouts away. But I need to do that.

What do you really need?

Garages are lethal. Its way too easy to put things out there rather than give them away so they can stay in service. Too many closets let you keep things you don’t need. Too many bookcases let you keep things that could be passed along and big kitchens are for storing way too much stuff. Choose an area of your life and tidy it up. You have changed. Your needs have changed. What do you really need? Then get rid of the rest and you’ll have room to breathe!!!!!

© 2010 Cara Lumen

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How to Push Through the Hard Stuff

August 4, 2010 By Cara Lumen 1 Comment

 by Cara Lumen

 
cup-winnerIt takes courage and persistence to learn something that seems hard, or figure out something that has never been easy for you before.  But there are times we simply have to push through.

Decide why it is important

A 74 year old friend of mine is getting a divorce after 35 years of marriage and every day is a challenge for her because, as sometimes happens with women in that age group, she relied heavily on her husband to make the decisions and understand the finances.  And now he is out of the picture.  
 
Suddenly being on your on can come in a variety of ways, including the sudden loss of a job.  You find yourself faced with challenges you never expected to have to meet. 

How do you push through that kind of an in-your-face challenge?

First of all you start looking within yourself to find out what is important to you.  What do you need in your life right now?  What has been missing in the situation that has just changed and how would you like to see this next part of your life be different?
 
Is it important that you get a new job?  Is it important that you find a new place to live?  Is it important for you to change your health habits?  What is important to you and in what order?  Is it health – the stamina and energy to go do the interesting things you want to do?  Is it safety – food, shelter, being solvent? Is it love – giving, receiving, and accepting love?  Is it feeling worthy – valued, knowing you have made a difference?  Or is it something else?  What is the most important change you need to make right now?

Explore what you need to know in order to make it happen

My friend suddenly finds herself dealing with real estate agents and loans and setting up her own bank accounts and figuring out her new budget.  It has been overwhelming for her since she has never before made an attempt to understand these things.  But she is gradually doing it.  It’s been stressful but she continues to work to figure out what she needs to know.
 
In the change you have chosen to make, what do you need to learn in order to make it happen?  Do you need to take a course, read a book, or get some coaching?  Take that next step that leads you toward your goal.
Get help at the speed you are prepared to accept it
 
Ask for help.  And make the person helping you give you the information at the level and speed that you need in order to own it.  Yes, own it.  None of this I-sort-of-got-it excuses.  If it’s important to you it’s important to understand how to make it happen. Learn what you need to know in order to make it happen.
 
As I watch my friend work to figure out her options I see that sometimes she doesn’t even understand the basics.  She gets swamped and frustrated with the jargon that she has not explored and needs the information to be brought down to its most basic components.  Know that might be the case when you are learning something new and make certain you understand what they are saying before you move on.  Build a strong foundation for this new information you are gathering.  Ask the questions you need to have answered.

Take small steps and acknowledge yourself

Don’t beat yourself up with the I-don’t-understand’s.  Pat yourself on the back with the I-got-it’s!!!!  Acknowledging yourself is one of the most important things you can do when you are pushing through a perceived obstacle.  Create an acknowledgement list and write in at the end of every day. Listen to the encouragement the people around you offer.  Thank the people who help you learn what you need to know.  Give gratitude for your progress – for each and every step you take.
Stick with it till you’ve got it
 
Be the little engine who could – I think I can, I think I can.  Because you can.  Whatever it is you set out to do you can do it.  Did you know that when an idea or an opportunity presents itself it will be of the size and shape that you have the ability to handle.  Sure it might stretch you a bit.  It might make you wonder what you’ve gotten yourself into, but if you had the idea and you decided to make it happen, everything you need to bring it to fruition will show up in the perfect time.  So stick with it till you’ve got it. 
 
And then go on the next step!!!
 
©2010 Cara Lumen
 
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What To Do When Need Overcomes Reason

July 21, 2010 By Cara Lumen 1 Comment

by Cara Lumen

fix-itHave you ever reached a point where your emotional needs are so great that practical, logical reasoning was impossible?

My friend was very, very lonely. Her marriage was failing, she didn’t feel very confident in herself and she was desperate to be with people who could affirm her ok-ness. When the doctor told her she should have back surgery right away she was so lonely that she chose to wait three months so she could go to her vacation home and play golf with the people she craved. And the doctor said, “If you feel any numbness come back right away.” She pushed her luck. Her emotional need overcame her logic.

She is still lonely, and is getting a divorce, and because of this huge need to be with people she is emotionally set on buying a house in a retirement community that may be too big an investment for her. But she perceives this environment as having lots of adult activities and thus a way to fill her loneliness so she didn’t even consider other options that might have been wiser for her future.

An unmet emotional need can overcome reason.

What needs are making choices for you?

There are physical needs, of course, that do need to be met – food, shelter, care of your health – but it’s the emotional needs that can push us into unreasonable choices.

Detaching the emotional need from the physical need may take a bit of doing.

For instance, the economy has changed and the business culture has changed. Whether it’s a job or an entrepreneurial venture, the choices we make now have to be different because the world is different. And to make good choices we need to understand our emotional needs and how they influence our choices.

Why are you in the job you are in? Why are you an entrepreneur? What emotional need is being fulfilled by your work, your relationships, your choices?

It is said we have four major needs: we want safety as in food and shelter, companionship and love, a sense of being worthy and a spiritual connection. You may choose to work in a company because you need companionship rather than work at home alone. You may be an entrepreneur because you can create results that make you feel worthy faster by yourself. You may be in service because you feel the spiritual value of actively helping others.

But what if the job goes away? What if the business stops? Will you feel fear, panic, lack of self-confidence? Will you want to give up? Or do you see unexpected change as an opportunity to reevaluate, reframe, explore your inner wisdom and look for the messages that are there to guide you to your next step?

What choices will your emotional needs suggest you make? And are they right ones for you?

Look for your core needs

Safety

If feeling safe by having food and shelter is your core need, then your current choice is to make the adjustments you need to live on what you have. Sell the house, get rid of the stuff, stop buying clothes, and start being thankful for what you DO have. Enjoy learning to cook economically, have a great time at the stay-at-home family nights. Count your blessings. Scaling back on what we have can actually enrich our appreciation of the most basic of possessions.

Love

If you need companionship seek those who truly nourish you. Give and give and give to others. Go volunteer. Look for small acts of kindness you can offer others wherever you are. Sometimes a need for feeling loved leads us to select the wrong person. When we give ourselves the self-love we deserve we are not dependent on others to fill that need.

Go more deeply in service. See where you are needed and step in. Offer a small kindness. Offer a big kindness. Give, give, give. That’s how you experience the give and take of love.\

Self-worth

When we learn to acknowledge ourselves for the job well done, we won’t need to look for the approval of others to make us feel valuable. We are in charge of our own life. We are in charge of how we see ourselves. We are in charge of how much we love ourselves.

Write your own acknowledgement list. Write down the positive things others say about you. Stop comparing yourself and know that you are unique in what you have to offer and go offer it.

Spiritual connection

When we move into a place of constant gratitude, we will begin to see the abundant blessings that flow our way and understand how we are guarded and guided along our path.

Take time to smell the flowers – literally. Watch a bud develop over time. Look at the intricacies of a blossom; understand that the same Universal Mind that created nature in all its intricacies created you. Feel that connection and make it real for you.

Fill your own needs

Once you identify the emotional needs that need filling, set about filling them. Focus on changing your own beliefs and your own attitudes

Learn to love yourself: When we learn to love and appreciate ourselves we will gain in self-confidence. Know and understand yourself and start giving yourself what you need. Set boundaries. Create a vision. Expect the best. Do not settle for second best.

Learn to relate to others: When we realize that everyone has a unique contribution to make, we no longer have a need or desire to control others or give them unsolicited advice. We will cease to be judgmental of the individual uniqueness in others. Become a gentle listener, a patient companion, a generous and kind friend.

Learn gratitude: When we learn to appreciate everything we have and give gratitude for it, we will not have the need to get more stuff just because someone else has it. Express your gratitude of others to them. Express your gratitude of yourself to you. Be aware of the goodness that surrounds you.

What emotional need is influencing your decisions, your actions, your choices? Do you need approval, feelings of self-worth, friendship, a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging? It may not be obvious at first but take some time to identify your needs. Then look to see how your need is influencing your choices – for better or worse.

© 2010 Cara Lumen

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How to Stay Positive during Rocky Times

July 16, 2010 By Cara Lumen Leave a Comment

by Cara Lumen

upward-arrowIt’s been awhile, hasn’t it – this unusual period in our history when money is funny, jobs go away and the future looks uncertain? Are you getting discouraged? Do you have a hard time staying positive and hopeful? What can you do to see a bright side – the light at the end of the tunnel?

Look for the good in everything

Let’s see, maybe these past two years have seen you learn a new skill in order to get a different job. And although that was scary and you went through a lot of stress over choosing what skill to learn and what job to seek, you’ve done it and you are in a job that is better suited for you and more rewarding than if you hadn’t gone through the challenge of being laid off or needing to move on.

During the course of these odd economical times you have reassessed what is important to you. You are no longer buying all the stuff you used to. You have cut back. You have lightened up which feels marvelous. You are learning to cook again, to make economical dishes from scratch, and you are teaching your children these new thrifty skills. That feels like a positive result.

You stay home more so you have had to make your own fun. That means you have had friends over, or made a game night with your children, or watched a DVD together. It means you have gone on picnics and walks in the woods and camped overnight in your back yard. Those have been fun times haven’t they?

You had to move to a smaller home so you got to throw away a lot of things you really don’t need and the relief of being able to afford to pay your bills because of the move is tremendous.

Those choices are all positive. They are all about rethinking our values, ceasing to be consumer junkies, and finding friendship and nurturing with our friends and family. It’s about returning to a basic life style where human interaction is the cornerstone. That’s all good stuff.

What if there is a boulder in the way?

Sometimes we don’t get what we want because it would keep us from being available for the next big thing that is coming our way but hasn’t had time to arrive yet.

If there is a boulder in the way you find another path.

I’m moving and I started collecting things for Good Will in the middle of my breakfast room. And the pile sat there and sat there and I worried about how to get it down the steps into my car. At this point in time I can’t walk down steps without holding on and that makes carrying things tricky. But the day I finally moved the bags two things happened, when I lifted them one at a time they were not as heavy as I had decided they must be after putting it off all that time and I found another way to get them down the steps – I backed myself down and lifted the bags down one step at a time until I got them to my car. And did I ever feel smug!!!! I had done it, that huge perceived boulder had been chopped up into smaller pieces and I had moved it aside. And my lesson was that I can do that for everything!!! Take smaller steps and figure out new ways to get the job done!

Listen to your Inner Voice

There is one place from which to get guidance and comfort – that is within. In the moments you create of silence and contemplation, the universal wisdom you hold within you can be heard. You may need to journal, you may need to meditate, you may need to listen to the signs and signals that come up every day, but the guidance is there.

I’ve had about a year of listening. I listened to my inner voice when I decided in two hours that it was time to move from California to Kansas City. I keep listening to my inner voice as I’ve dealt with two knee surgeries which took my focus from my business and the business changed. I struggled with my inner wisdom when I resisted this next move and the reality that made it important that I do it. And I’m still listening because I’m being called to adjust what I offer others and that is not yet clearly defined.

The answers are there – within. They are in the idea that presents itself, the conversation you hear that suddenly gives you the answer you’ve been seeking, and in the opportunity that presents itself and the doors that close in your face. We each have a journey that only we are to take, a gift that only we are to give. Our job is to listen within for our guidance.

Change is good

This is a period of change and change is good. And change is stressful. And change is exciting. Be flexible. Be open. Be innovative. Question everything. Get really clear about your core values – what’s really important to you in your life – and make choices that honor those.

Look upon this as an adventure. Take it as an opportunity to help others through service. Look for new paths to take, new places to explore, now horizons to seek. Look for the good among the boulders – the plant growing in the cracks, the bird making its nest among the crags, the good life that is waiting for you regardless of how rocky it looks. When you look for the positive you will see the positive.

©2010 Cara Lumen

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I Think I Can, I Know I Can

July 5, 2010 By Cara Lumen 1 Comment

by Cara Lumen

natural-entrepreneurWe sure can mess ourselves up with our own minds. We make things seem bigger and harder than they are. And we do it way too often. But all things are possible. We just have to take them one step at a time, one piece at a time and know we can do it.
The stack in the kitchen

I’m moving and I had gathered some things in the kitchen to give to Good Will. And then I looked at that pile and I thought about the 12 steps leading down from my apartment and I thought about how hot it was and I didn’t think I could do it. See how we mess ourselves up with our own minds. This went on for at least ten days with me eyeing that pile, thinking it would be very hard for me to get those bags down the steps and with each day the idea seemed harder and harder. Until today. A few moments ago.

It was relatively cool (80 degrees) and I decided this was the moment. So I picked up two bags and immediately realize they were not as heavy as I had decided they were with my ten days of worrying. I took them out to the top of the steps. Then I got two more bags. At this point in time I can’t walk down stairs without holding on so I had to find a different way. I decided to go down backward and lift the bags down one step at a time after me. So I did. One step at a time. Twelve steps and maybe three minutes later and I was down!!!! Getting them to the car was a snap. I felt so smug! I had done it by myself after all. An accomplishment!!!

What was left however, was a heavier box and my first thought was to leave that till another time, but hey, I was on a role and I thought how good I would feel if I completed it. So, although the box was a tad heavy I backed it down the steps and into the car. And I felt really, really pleased and proud of myself. And relieved to have that obstacle out of my way.

So here’s the lesson.

1. Things are not what they seem

Although that pile seemed larger and larger the longer I put it off, it really was only four bags and a box and the bags were light. But in my mind I had made it feel like I couldn’t do it. That I would have to get help. But I didn’t. I could do it and I did do it.

When faced with a situation, break it down into its simplest steps.

2. Everything is possible one step at a time

So what if I can’t do steps the regular way while carrying something. I can certainly figure out another way like backing down the steps.

Get creative in how you execute those smaller steps. Even if I had needed to take down one bag a day I could have eventually gotten it done.

3. Finish what you start

I am so glad I took the last box. It was a little harder than the rest but it completed what I set out to do. Completion is extremely satisfying.

Finish what you set out to do. Even that one little piece completed is progress.

4. You can do it if you believe you can

I’m glad I figured out how to do it by myself because that means I now know I can do a lot of other things by myself that I thought I couldn’t do any more. I just have to set about doing them one step at a time and believe I can do it.

What is your mind messing with today?

©2010 Cara Lumen

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How to Overcome a Limiting Belief

June 29, 2010 By Cara Lumen 2 Comments

by Cara Lumen

magicianI’m a metaphysician and I believe my thoughts create my reality. For me that has meant staying away from doctors. When someone you hold in a position of authority tells you something is wrong with your body, it is difficult to use your mind to change that reality. For me it’s definitely a head-in-the-sand approach. However, if you find positive thinking health care providers it’s different. I hadn’t been to a doctor in 15 or more years but I found I needed a total knee replacement so I had to go. The first doctor I went to said, “You’re 77 what did you expect.” The second doctor said, “That’s pretty good for 77.” Guess which one I chose.

Allow yourself to be cared for

That second doctor is a gem. He told me all the tests I should have just to check things out. I had never had a mammogram before because it sounded so uncomfortable. It’s easy as pie so because I had a limiting belief about it I had never even checked it out. I had to have a breast biopsy and that doctor was great. He said it was nothing to be concerned about but we had nothing to compare it to since I had not had a mammogram before. It was strange but just fine to do and it came out healthy just as he said.

My orthopedic doctor is fabulous. I did EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) before my surgery because I was afraid of the unknown pain and after I did the technique I couldn’t get a single emotional charge out of the idea of pain. And I never had any. I was the poster girl for knee replacement I recovered so rapidly.

Here are three fabulous men with equally fabulous nurse assistants, who are kind, caring, and positive. I feel really cared for under their guidance. Sometimes your limiting belief can change when you find the right people to care for you.

What limiting beliefs are holding you back?

Looking for and seeing the positive is a cornerstone of how I live my life. I am still going to seek out positive people to be with and work with but my belief that I couldn’t go to a health professional to monitor my aging process in case it was negative was detrimental to my well-being.

I’m also going to keep an eye out for other limiting beliefs – mine as well as those of others. For instance, I want to protect myself from being with people who have given up on life in their old age. I want to be with people that are curious, and eager to learn new things. So I’ll find them and hang out with them. What limiting beliefs are affecting your health? Do you believe your aging process leads to sitting in a chair somewhere? Or do you see it as an opportunity to leave your legacy?

How to find helpful people to hang out with

You will absorb the attitudes and belief systems of those around you so choose wisely.

I have spent the last 35 years exploring holistic systems and metaphysical principles. I meditate with crystals and own Buddha and Quan Yin statues. I am a Certified Bach Flower Counselor and a Reiki Master Teacher. I have studied T’ai Chi and Falun Gong, EFT and Transcendental Meditation. I have had Deeksha blessings. All of that was great when I lived in New York City and in the area above San Francisco. Those interests and beliefs are prevalent there. But I have moved to the Midwest to be near my children and it’s like moving OUT of OZ. The people here are incredibly kind. And they are conservative. So I have to go find my like minded people on the internet. My friends are a long distance phone call away. I have to keep reading and learning and creating on my own. I have to protect myself from some of the conservative belief systems I am now surrounded with that I find limiting for me personally and immerse myself with belief systems that match my values and people that are exploring where I want to go next.. And maybe I’ll find some in-person like-minded people to hang out with here.

Stay true to yourself and you will attract the people you are meant to serve

A woman recently found me through my blog . What I had written inspired and motivated her. She wrote me about it.  We have had an interesting exchange on FaceBook and we have each blogged about the experience. For me it’s a sign that as I continue to put out the values and concepts that resonate with me I will touch the hearts of others and they will find me and connect with me. I just have to keep my faith and my values and share from my heart.

I have choices I can make about who to spend time with. I can screen the clients who come to me for coaching to be certain they are willing to do the work and trust me to guide them well. I can keep looking for the kind, positive health care professionals that I may need along my journey. And I can seek out new friends who share my enthusiasm for life and hang out with them

Become aware of your limiting beliefs. Go seek out people who inspire and motivate you to greater things. Open yourself to greater possibilities. Embrace change. Life is good and you have work to do.

©2010 Cara Lumen

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How Your Choices Affect Others

June 22, 2010 By Cara Lumen Leave a Comment

by Cara Lumen

give-to-others It was graduation and he had won a special award and was to give a speech as a representative for his department.  His parents drove for an hour to pick him up and he kept them waiting a long time because he wasn’t ready. Consequently they were late to the ceremony and the worried organizers had been frantically trying to figure out who they might get to give the talk since he hadn’t showed up.. 
 
Does this person know that he is showing great disregard for other people by not keeping his word?
 
Does this person know that he will soon not be trusted to do what he says he will do?
 
Does this person know how adversely his actions affected many others?
 
Is it a conscious or unconscious choice?
 
Does he care?
 
Or does he simply not get it?

What do you do, unconsciously, that affects others

It’s hard to know how you affect others because you are in your head not theirs, but if you start observing the reactions around you, you will come to understand your effectiveness or ineffectiveness. 
 
One of the things that happens to me when I get excited is that I talk fast and have no thoughts of the people I’m sharing with – I’m wrapped up in my own enthusiasm and pay no attention to how they are receiving it.  I finally understood this when I found myself on the receiving end of that behavior.  At a board meeting a person came in sharing her big idea in a stream of excited talk and when I asked a question about how that might affect my responsibilities she said, “Oh that’s not important.”  That didn’t feel good for me but it was a great gift for her to give me – a reflection and new awareness of my own behavior. It gave me a choice to change.
 
Have you had a gift like that lately?
 
I offer advice way more than I should – it has to do with all the ideas I have.  I have a friend who patiently continues to tell me that she hasn’t asked for my advice and I’m gradually being able to stop giving so much advice to others unless I am specifically asked for it. 

What are you doing unconsciously that is adversely affecting others?

You may need to ask those around you.  Start with your family.  Perhaps it’s a family round table where you talk about the personal boundaries each of you choose to set, or how each of you would like to be treated by others.  Perhaps the need for you to change your behavior is being pointed out by a good friend who is actually suggesting how you might change your behavior but you aren’t  listening yet.
 
A friend recently shared with me that she was very critical of her daughter but not of her son and felt she was driving her daughter away. She didn’t like that she did it but she didn’t know how to change her behavior.  We talked about how she could change her vocabulary when she spoke to her daughter and how she could consciously censor her critical thoughts before she spoke them and then choose not to say them.  She tried it the next night and the daughter, who normally shared her excitement with her non-critical dad, actually addressed some of her comments to her newly-non-critical mom.  It only took a new awareness on my friends part and a desire to change to make a difference in her family dynamic.

All the change has to come from you

If something is not working, you are the only one that has to change.  You have to change your thinking, or your attitude or your comments or your viewpoint.  Sometimes looking at the situation from the other person’s point of view can be very illuminating.  Step into their shoes for a moment and see it as they do. Whatever the situation – whether something is working or not working – it is all because of you and how you perceive it and how you approach it.  It’s within your power to change it – for better or for worse. Change your thinking, change your life.

Be aware of how you affect others

Start looking at the expressions on the faces around you.  Become aware of how people respond to you.  What do they ask of you?  How do they include you?  Do they exclude you? Ask a good friend to point out some things that are not working in your relationships.  Then listen and see what you are willing to change.
 
When you change, your life will change.  
 
©2010 Cara Lumen
 

 

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Lighten Up So You Can Move On

June 18, 2010 By Cara Lumen 1 Comment

 by Cara Lumen

measure_0There is nothing like moving to make you rethink your priorities.  You get to go through everything you own and decide if it will fit where you are going.  Do you still want it?  Do you actually need it? It’s a challenge and it is very freeing.  But you don’t have to move to lighten up

Where are you heading?

I’m in a serious repositioning stage I’m ending my business as it used to be, and moving into a period in which I am going to do exactly what I want to do.  It’s going to be about creativity, exploring new ideas, and finding a unique way to be in service.  And I don’t know what it looks like yet.  I have glimmers, but I’m still on my inward journey to listen to my guidance and let the matter unfold  Physically, I’m headed to a more compact space  where my office will take up one corner of my living room rather than the whole room it has enjoyed.  So I really, really get to look at what I need and want.

Do you actually need it?

When I moved last year I threw away things that might turn into an art project some day.  You know this one, I could make this from that so I’ll keep it.  I threw away things that would not fit in my new environment (I didn’t need gardening equipment, for instance) But I was paying by the pound so I got very real about what I thought I would do.

You know the idea of giving away clothes you haven’t used in a year?  Try that with the ideas and this-could-be-something reference material you have around. Chances are the idea needs updating if you do work them and you’ll find tons of resources on the internet. 

I keep things in binders and I got rid of a lot of binders – classes I took that I do not need the material from any more.  I put some of my writing in boxes to be stored – they didn’t need to be right here in my office.  I cleaned out file cabinets.  I had enough hanging folders to stock a school.  I gave them to Good Will.  I even went through the drawers that hold pens and paperclips and threw stuff out.  Get real about what you really need. Toss the rest.

Do you still want it?

Now wanting something is another thing.  My family took a few things but I still had a lot of put-abouts that I would no longer have room for.  So what matters to me right now?  What do I want around me in my new environment?  I made my choices and gave more stuff to Good Will.  And once I move I will get real about what else has to be released.

Release it to a new life

If you look at something you don’t use any longer and think about putting it back into service, it’s a good feeling.  Who might like that mirror you have no place for?  What put-about would someone else enjoy?  Objects are meant to be in service and they’re not in service sitting in a box in the floor of a closet.  Let them go.  Release them to a new life.

Now how do you feel?

You will feel lighter, freer, more resilient and flexible when you let stuff leave your environment.  You can move quickly, change directions rapidly, and make decisions easily, all because you got rid of the clutter, the stuff you don’t need where you are going next.

 You don’t have to move to lighten up.  Start with your office.  Turn up some great music, get out some trash bags and start rethinking your “next.” Lighten up so you can move on.

©2010 Cara Lumen

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